Getting grandparents and sitters on the same page

17 August 2026 · Sly Gittens

Most handovers happen in a doorway, in ninety seconds, while someone is putting their shoes on. Then we're surprised that bedtime didn't go the way we described.

A grandparent who has your children every Thursday, a sitter on a Friday night, an au pair, a friend doing the school run — they all face the same problem. There is a routine, it exists mostly in your head, and they get a compressed version of it at the door.

Then something goes differently, and everyone is mildly annoyed: you because the bedtime you described didn't happen, them because they were set up to fail.

Hand over three things, not everything

The instinct is to give the full picture. It backfires — a page of instructions is unreadable in the moment, so it gets skimmed and then ignored, and now none of it happened rather than some of it.

Pick the three that actually matter to you and say only those. Usually:

• What time bed is, and what happens just before it
• What they're allowed to eat, and when
• The one thing that will cause a problem if it's got wrong

That third one is the useful one, and it's different in every family. The night light. Not mentioning the dog. The child who needs warning before transitions. Say that, and let the rest go.

Written down, not remembered

Nobody retains a doorway briefing, and a grandparent is unlikely to admit they've forgotten. Something they can look at without asking removes both problems.

It doesn't have to be elaborate — a note on the fridge does the job. What matters is that it's there, so the question "what happens after the bath" has an answer that isn't a phone call to you.

Let them do it their way, mostly

Children are entirely capable of holding "we do it like this at Grandma's". Different is fine. Different is often the point of Grandma's.

Keep the short list of non-negotiables genuinely short, and be relaxed about the rest. A helper who is corrected on everything stops offering, and the help was worth more than the tidiness.

The three you chose above are the non-negotiables. That's the whole list. Anything you didn't consider important enough to say at the door was, by definition, not one of them.

Give access, not the keys

If your household runs on something digital, the usual approach is handing over your own password. It works, and it's a bad idea: that person can now change anything, see everything, and — if they ever stop helping — you have to change your password and tell everyone.

A limited login is the better shape. Someone who helps needs to see today and mark things off. They don't need to edit routines, add children, or reach billing.

It's also less pressure on them. Somebody who can't accidentally break anything is much more relaxed about using it.

Say thank you for the version you got

Worth saying plainly. Someone giving you a Thursday is giving you a Thursday, and the price of that is that Thursday will not look exactly like your Tuesday.

If the three things happened, that's a success. Correcting the rest costs you goodwill you'll want later, and teaches your children that the adults are grading each other.

The short version

• Three things only, and make one of them the thing that goes wrong.
• Write it down so nobody has to ask or guess.
• Let the rest be different. Children cope with that easily.
• A limited login, not your password.
• Judge the visit on the three, not on everything else.